cyew1983 on Xanga

THIS IS MY STORY

Monday, 16 February 2009

I can't believe I just spent RM600 on a freaking computer monitor to only find out that my current one is working perfectly. See, I have been looking at a black & white screen for at least 4 months now, and all these while I thought it was my computer screen that's broken. So, I finally bought a new monitor yesterday, got all excited as I was installing it, and when I switched it on, the picture on the screen was in black and white. Which means I just wasted RM600 for nothing, and now I have to fork out another couple of hundreds to fix my graphic card. I can't be wasting money like that. I am in the middle of saving money to pay for my trip to Amsterdam in September. This is not good.

On a brighter note, I bought a new computer speaker, and finally, my room is filled with music once again after 4 months. Time to prance around in my bathroom and singing into my toothbrush.

Monday, 09 February 2009

I haven't been updating this blog for a very long time. Since August last year to be precise. Since my eldest brother and I had one of our big arguments in the time we spend as sibilings. I'm sure these fights will continue to top one another as we grow older.

I'm sitting here on my colleague's laptop since I've surrendered my computer to the interns for them to do whatever that they were assigned to do. It's 7.30pm, and since my colleague has left, I figured it's best I use her laptop to update my blog, rather than using the other computer which is there for anyone to use. But most of all, that other computer is facing the main door. Hence, anyone that walks pass the room will see what I'm doing.

It's a public holiday today. But as usual, this company tends to ignore such days and continue operating.

Unlike my previous company, where we HAVE to be reminded about public holidays, here, the bosses will decide whether to close the office the day before the public holiday. If they find out their rival is open for business, you bet their ass that they will open as well.

Unlike my previous company where should we work on a public holiday, we are able to claim for a replacement leave, this company offers nothing.

This is the company where before I joined, they used to send the staff out to either buy lunch or dinner for the rest. The company will pay for the meal, but they do not cover the mileage. Apparently, they did not realize such a thing exist until my general manager joined the company and told them it's wrong not to cover the fuel as well. And they were surprise because they didn't realize such a thing exist. Yeah right!

Working on a public holiday was never a big deal for me because I actually DO like my old job. This new job and place is killing me.

Anyway, I had a quiet weekend last week. Besides attempting to shop on Saturday, I spent my Saturday night and the whole of Sunday at home, catching up on all the TV shows I recorded onto my encoder. One of them was Canada's Next Top Model, and in one of the episodes, one of the contestants who got eliminated off the show, said this as she was packing her bags to leave:

"Dreams never break. They begin and they end, and then they begin again".

Something about that phrase caught my attention. And thought it would be perfect for my 'comeback' entry into the blogging world.

On another note, I wanted to get a MacBook. But after checking out the price (RM4799), despite being impressed with the features, I felt there is no need to get a MacBook just so I can creatively check my email or type out stuff on Microsoft Words. I decided to just get a good PC laptop instead. And that will cost me around RM3k plus. Still not very good for my bank account.

Also, my ex-colleague and I are planning to go to Amsterdam in September. I need to save money fast. Everyone knows I do not like to have limit myself when travelling. I mean it's not like I am planning to stay in a 5 stars hotel, or eat in fancy restaurant every night. I don't simply spend when I'm travelling. But I like to be able to spend if I want to. If I like a piece of clothe, I want to be able to buy it. I do not like to be caught in a situation where i have to choose between buying a shirt which I have fallen in love with, and a nice dinner at a restaurant which everyone has been raving about. I want to be able to do both. And to do that, I need to make sure I saved up a substantial amount of moolah. It's extremely difficult but I have to do it. I know I can. I hope I can.

Saturday, 02 August 2008

My eldest brother came back on Wednesday. I don't really know how to describe my relationship with him. To paint a clearer picture - We don't confide in each other. Nor will we run to each other when we have any problems. Nor do we really know what's going on in each other's life. So, it's suffice to say that we are nothing more than just 'brothers' by name.

I've managed to avoid him for the past few days, knowing that our conversation don't usually end well. It's sad i know, avoiding your own brother. But it's the best option I could think of. I'm getting a lil' bit tired of having to defend my life and the choices I made.

He just left for the airport. I thought since I've not seen him since he came back, I ahould at least spend a few hours in the same room with him. So, he came back from visiting my aunty, and I was in the living room watching some TV. We had some casual talk in between about nothing, and everything seemed fine until 15 minutes before his taxi arrived.

Something about my upcoming trip to HK end of the year in some rather twisted way led to the topic I did not forsee coming - his disapproval of my current job situation.

Apparently, he has always thought I made a stupid decision to go from a producer in a regional network to a small production company. He was right to say that working in [V] could have brought my career to a greater height so to speak. Something my current company could never offer. Like I didn't know that already. He went on the whole 15 minutes about how I should have taken the job in HK, regardless of the pay and my dislike towards the country. Because life is not always rosy, and HK could be a stepping stone to something bigger. What he said is true though. My [V] background is enough to to help me get a better job with another bigger network. But if I don't act fast, it will soon expire. And it don't matter anymore that I have a regional background. It's not going to help me advance any furthur than it could have say few months back.

I don't know why, but I just didn't bother explaining or defending myself. Partly because I knew he was right. Also because bringing up that topic just put me into depression again. It's like the same dilemma kept coming back, but I can't seem to find any solution for it. And it's not like my current job situation is giving me that much fullfillment.

Just as he was getting into the taxi, he asked of me to remember and consider what he just said - stay in my current company and say goodbye to my career.

No thanks to him, I'm feeling depress and lost all over again.

And once again, we did not end things properly.

It's not like I don't want to move back to a network. I want to go back to a network. It's one thing that I'm hesitating about leaving the country. But I can't just pack up and leave my current company. Not after what they have done for me.

I really don't know what to do right now. What I need is good vacation somewhere where I can be myself and be by myself. Hopefully that will help me see things clearer.

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Currently Listening
Lyfe Change
By Lyfe Jennings
see related
Failure to Launch

That's right ya'll!

Here's to the lead actor in the Malaysian remake of Failure to Launch.

Desmond Tan!

Cheers!

Stay tuned!

Saturday, 17 May 2008

It's 11:20 on a Saturday morning. Where else will I be if not the office. Today is the deadline for the project, and I'm supposed to burn onto all the stuff we've been doing for the client's presentation to the channel, err... more like all the stuff my gfx designers have been creating (since I'm not really doing anything other than organizing and buying time from the client, so can't really take much credit) for 2 months. So, who else is here in the office? No one but me. Amazing how these people know they have a deadline to meet and none of them are in yet. Which means when they finally finish their gfx, it will be late evening, and I'll be here the entire night.

Maybe I shouldn't complain so much. After all, these people deliver great work. And I'm the least involved in the team.

I remember my supervising producer - Siva and my creative director - Alvin's comments few days ago. Think was on Thursday. We finally finished the promo for FoxCrime, and while uploading onto FTP (FoxCrime is based in Hong Kong), the conversation with my creative director went like this:

Alvin: Congratulations! Great job!
Me: Err.... Shouldn't I be saying that to you? Since I hardly do anything.
Alvin: Of cuz you did. All the extension you managed to buy for us so we could finish. And helping us liaising with the client... you played a big part as well.
Me: *blank look*....

Then later, another similar conversation with my supervising producer Siva:

Siva: Good job Dez.
Me: Huh? You should say it to the design boys.
Siva: You were part of the team.
Me: Yea, and my role is the least important.
Siva: Oh my god, you got to learn to be satisfy with what you do.

That last line may ring some truth. But it's hard when you worked for 3 years in a company where you had to basically do everything, from researching to script-writing to producing to directing to editing, and now, all I do is entertain the client and buy more time for them so the designers could finish their gfx on time. I used to 'own' everything in my shows. When it goes on air, I can truly call it my own cause I personally did 90% of it. Hands-on. This new job, all I do is send lots of emails, lots of scheduling and lots of managing. That's it.

And the best line was when Siva said: You did well with the FoxCrime promo. You managed the project well. You're a good project manager.

I almost died hearing that. PROJECT MANAGER?! I was trained in TV production, became a producer in a regional network, but did I just downgraded myself to a project manager? I mean no offense but are you fucking kidding me? Did I just wasted my life when I could be doing what I love - producing TV shows.

Speaking about TV shows, so the promises the bosses gave did come true. The TV production side is officially up and running. We got our license few days ago, purchased the domain, and right now, is to kick start the first project. As the company is new, the money is still coming from the parent company, which isn't a lot I must say. But at least it's one step closer to my dream. But of course, to roll in the money, I have to still do what I'm doing right now until there's enough fund to kick start the first project. Damn!

Then comes another problem. On a good day, I'll be so excited to be doing content creation. But on most days, I'll be so depress because I'm heading the department, which means I have to constantly think about the money. Where are we going to get the moolah bla bla bla... How am I going to generate money for the company etc... Showbusiness is a cut-throat industry. It's 90% business, 10% show.

Adding salt to the wound, business is not my forte. I just want to go back to the simpler days of Channel V, where money is always there. All I need to focus on is producing. But then again, how many people would be so supportive like my bosses? They practically gave me the money to start a company, and to see them actually fulfilling their promise (they even started printing name cards, company stamp etc), the pressure is ON! Damn it!

It's 12pm and the gfx designers are finally here. So, back to work. errrghhhh!

Saturday, 10 May 2008

I've spoke to 2 of my closest friends regarding my current situation. My dilemma is that I want to quit my job but I'm in a position where if I quit, I will not only appear weak, I will pissed the hell out of my bosses and basically tarnish Channel [V]'s reputation. On top of that, my bosses had already registered the new department that I'm supposed to be heading. So much pressure, I felt like I shouldn't have commit myself to this. It's just too much stress. I don't know how much longer can I keep sane before I start losing myself.

So basically, Nina said I shouldn't leave. That I can still learn so much more in this company. That this is a wonderful experience for me. That I should learn to move on and focus on new projects.

On the other hand, Sylvia is advising me to leave. I shouldn't feel obligated to stay just because the company is opening a new department and I will be heading it. And just because everyone is supportive and protective of me, I shouldn't take that in to consideration and stay even though I hated my job.

So basically, I'm still stuck in square one. Should I or should I not leave?

Here I am, 7.30pm on a Saturday night. Why I am still here? Because I feel guilty for leaving while my designers work like a slave trying to finish the shit I made them go through.

Will things change for the better? I really really hope so. I hope that all the decisions I have made thus far are right. I will forever look back to that day where I turned down a possible window of opportunity to a greater career path and wonder if I did wrong. Well, if my life one day turns out to be a mess, at least I know how did it started.
I wish I was a little bit stronger...

Ever since I joined this new company, my confidence level had gone from 0 to -12312423423. Not only do I not know how to do my job, I can't even handle a project without fucking it up along the way.

I feel like throwing in the towel after this project is done. I feel so bad coming to work everyday because of what I did, my team has to burn the midnight oil, and put up with all the shit coming from the client. I never felt so lost in my 4 years of working.

Having no interest whatsoever in my job is no excuse to not perform. I knew from day 1 when I decided to sign the contract that this is what I will be doing. Hence, no matter how boring it is, I have to do my best.

Today has been the worst fuck up I've ever done. 4 days before the deadline and we are nowhere near completing the project. I can pin point and place blames, but at the end of the day, I know I am at fault. Partially? Does it even matter at this point? The client is always right.

I know I have good colleagues and bosses who have stood up for me all this time. But how long can I depend on them? Most of all, how much more can I take? I have a hunch that soon, very very soon, everyone in this office are going to lose their patience and that will be the sign of a relationship gone awry.

I feel like quitting. Part of me is telling me that I should have taken the job in HK. But would things be better there? There can be so many what if's and should have's. But how different will things be if I were to go through it again, and choose a different route? I always tell myself that if I were to do it all over again, I would still turn down the offer to HK. But I might not sign a contract with this company. That will spare everyone from this pile of shit I'd put everyone into.

If I quit now, where am I gonna go? As it is, everyone finds it dodgy for the fact that I turned down the offer to HK. Who's going to believe that? No one is that stupid to do that. Except for me.

I know that tendering my resignation would make me a selfish person. After all, this company has done a lot for me. A whole of more than they should have. Even giving me a chance to start up a new department. Maybe I am a selfish person. That I could care less about how my decisions will hurt people who had stood by me. But is it worth killing a relationship because of my selfishness?

My mind is all over the place right now. I can't even write a proper entry without making it look like a mess. Yes, MESS is the keyword here. I AM A MESS. I've never felt this shit before, not even when I was in Channel [V]. I felt like I've let everyone down, and I just practically tarnish Channel [V]'s reputation. I believe that everyone who left Channel [V] carries the company's name. And while I've told everyone to not spoil the name, I guess I just did.

So, should I quit this job? I know this would make me seem weak, which I am, and being weak is not going to help me survive in this industry. An industry I've chosen as my destiny. If I leave, where can I go?

Maybe I shouldn't have join this company in the first place. The signs were everywhere. I was just too blind to see them. Got my heartbroken for the first time the night before I joined. Told the bosses I'm not signing the contract. And should have stuck to my decision. But instead, I ignore all these signs (I don't know if they are, but sure hell looks like it) and decided to stay instead. Stupid fool.

So what should be my next step? Can someone give me an answer? A sign won't do since I'm such a dumb fuck. It has to be darn obvious that even a blind dog won't miss it.

I feel like crying. But can I? Is it worth it? So many questions. But where are the answers?

Thursday, 01 May 2008

Currently Listening
Grace
By Jeff Buckley
Hallelujah
see related
State of Dilemma

2008 has been a confusing year for me. It's too early to call it a roller-coaster ride. After all, it may have already been May, but it's only May.

But that said, emotionally, it's definitely been a roller-coaster ride. It's filled with lots of confusion. That would definitely be the best word to describe what I'm feeling right now. I can't truly say I'm happy. Sad? Not really. Regrets? I don't know. Glad with the decisions I've made so far? Don't have the answer to that. Yet.

I have been so overwhelmed by so many different emotions on so many levels these days that I just don't know where I am, emotionally and my career path. How I managed to go by each day without breaking down is still a big mystery to me.

Everyday I will ask myself - Did I make a wrong decision when I chose not to go to Hong Kong? And it doesn't help that everyone I spoke to shoot me this funny and confuse look when I said I turned down the job offer in HK. I know it would have been a good stepping stone for me. But I guess I'm afraid of having to struggle financially since the pay offered wasn't much. HK is an expensive country. On top of that, I have things established here. A house. A car. 2 very important things to me. I don't want to go back to renting. I felt so privilege to have a car here I don't even miss taking the public transport. Even when I was in [V], times when I had to travel out of the country for work, I hated having to rely on the public transport, no matter how efficient the public transport is.

But of course, these reasons, as much as I would like to deny them, they are not exactly concrete enough to turn down a job opportunity.

I was chatting on MSN with my ex-colleague yesterday, who's now in HK, and the conversation went like this:

Desmond says: (9:32:03 AM)
yesterday went to vivian's farewell supper

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:32:10 AM)
i damn sad coz today the v off officially closes

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:32:25 AM)
how did that go?

Desmond says: (9:32:27 AM)
i told siva in V kan, u can snap at ppl, and u know they will forgive u... becase they know the work stress bah

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:32:45 AM)
true oso la

Desmond says: (9:42:07 AM)
u know, unttil i still wonder if i made the right decision... shud i have taken the job in hk ...

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:42:55 AM)
YES YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE JOB IN HK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:42:59 AM)
reason 1:

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:43:24 AM)
you're young and have no major responsibilities

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:43:43 AM)
to be a producer at the age of 25 is awaesome

Desmond says: (9:44:29 AM)
but i am a producer here also what... different kind la..

Desmond says: (9:44:51 AM)
apa ni all caps!

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:45:09 AM)
dez you'll be a producer in an INTERNATIONAL company

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:45:16 AM)
no more local no more regional

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:45:26 AM)
just to stress my point la

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:45:44 AM)
HK is supposed to be a stepping stone

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:46:04 AM)
to other great things you'll be able to achieve in the future

Desmond says: (9:46:33 AM)
okok enuff enuff...now i'm depress already... sob sob

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:46:42 AM)
you could have been one of those lucky ones to become a creative director by the time you're 30

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:46:48 AM)
hahahahaa

Desmond says: (9:47:02 AM)
creative dir? siao ar...

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:47:02 AM)
if there's an opening do you want me to tell you?

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:47:13 AM)
why not?

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:47:21 AM)
don't you believe in yourself?

Desmond says: (9:47:44 AM)
i dunno... joinign this new company made me rewalize i dunno alot of things la...

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:48:28 AM)
which is good....coz when you think you know everything that means you've become a snob and there's no more learning curve

Desmond says: (9:48:39 AM)
taught me alot la but i stil wonder eveyrday if i made the right choice

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:52:49 AM)
that you'll learn along the way

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:53:16 AM)
what right choice are you talking about?

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:55:42 AM)
des i miss you la

Desmond says: (9:55:42 AM)
that if i made the right choice for my career...am i advancing

Desmond says: (9:55:45 AM)
i miss u too

Life-Dreams=Job says: (9:55:53 AM)
i think you are la

Well, maybe I should have taken that job offer. I may not have like HK, but I know eventually, everyone is going to find a place they belong to. And I believe in time, I will find a place where I can be who I want to be, and be comfortable with being me.

I guess I just got too comfortable living here. And I guess I was just too afraid to take that first step.

I know that eventually, I will put all the knowledge I've got here to good use. I guess because I'm not particularly enjoying my job here that's making me even more confused about every decision I've made for my career.

I would give an 8 out of 10 for learning curves, but 5 out of 10 when it comes to job satisfaction. So, as much as I'm gaining valuable knowledges here, I'm still not happy because I'm not satisfy with what I do.

I miss [V].

I miss the office. Every single corner of that room.

I miss the people and the relationship we have. I've made some really good friends there.

I miss the familiarity. Seeing the people I've come to love running around the small office trying to finish their projects.

I miss going through the pile of tapes, searching for the right sound bites, or the right music videos.

I miss editing all the music programs on FCP.

What's left now is the memories. And I'm holding on to them real hard because I don't want to lose them. They were too good of a time that I'm afraid I will feel guilty if they eventually become just a faded memory.

I understand things have to change. That life changes as season comes. Things can never stay the same. But as cliche as it sound, sometimes I wish the good times never end.

Another ex-colleague of mine wrote this poem in her blog, and it really hit home.

A PLACE THAT WAS ONCE THERE
BY Meewuargh ON APRIL 28TH, 2008

A reminder of something that was once there
I seek a familiarity that I would be aware
But memories like photographs that fade with time
could sometimes provoke could sometimes define.
As I sit and imagine you looking at me
I think of the times when we fail to see
That moments like this are momentarily
and changes that come are inevitably.
My longing is the catharsis for sin
An untimely death of the soul from within
To dream is to desire without means
and to lust is without guilt in the veins.

Goodbye to the [V] office in Malaysia. Thanks for the memories.

Thursday, 03 January 2008

2008 is all about Dddddddd....

... this should be the title for my blog for this year.

Here's a conversation i had with a friend about my new glamour nickname,

Me: I told you to start calling me D. That's my new name. I go by the name 'D'. 2008 is all about D. Oh my god! I should so title my blog that!

Friend: D for Dumbo!

Me: Stupid.

Saturday, 22 December 2007

Currently Listening
The Makings of a Man
By Jaheim
see related
Today we had our company drinking party/X'mas party/NY party at this bar/restaurant called 21. Since the company is basically losing money, there is no budget for dinner, and the money that they have is slightly more than enough to organize a drinking party.

I never wanted to go at first. Reasons being:
1. I don't really fancy half the people in my company, and I don't even going to pretend we're friends, though they like to think otherwise, since it's such a small scale company (for a TV station, we only have around 25 staffs).
2. I don't drink. And I know they are going to kick up a fuss about my non-alcoholic beverage. And it doesn't help that I recently got drunk in HK during my business trip there. So, in their mind, somehow I'll only drink if the drinks are being offered by a male VJ. Please, I couldn't care less about that VJ. I was in HK and because I was there for work, I had a lot of things in my mind, and I was in HK, so I thought I'll just go a little crazy (in my standard) and just drink. And since I don't drink, my tolerance for alcohol is not going be that great.

But in the end, I went because 2 of my closest colleagues/friends (Nina & Naomi) persuaded me to, and my supervising producer text msged me to make sure I attend the party. And since Nina and Naomi pretty much help me out a lot, and the supervising producer is basically the only nice one among the management, I decided what the hell. But I wasn't allowed to drive (what an irony, since I'll the only sober one) because they knew if I have my own transport, I'll leave like in an hour or 2.

And then came the horror. One of my colleagues brought some vodka orange (something like that) and wanted me to go bottoms up. Nina told me not to because she saw him fixing the drink and the the alcohol content was quite high. So, I refused to, and everyone was making noise, and the whole freaking BAR turned their attention to me! I was like WTF!!!!! I almost smash my colleague's head on to the table. But on the other hand, I'm so used to their comments and antics that I just smiled and remained calm. I refused all the way until they tried to do that 'cheer's thing and everyone drank. I had like a sip and left it on the table. Good thing they didn't complain about me wasting the drink. Not like they notice it anyway. Drunk people have very short attention span. And even if they did complain, they should have known better because they know that I do not drink.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that?! Just like some people who absolutely hate soda or fizzy drinks, I hate the taste of alcohol. I can taste the alcohol in an instance in my food or drinks. Yes, my tougue is that sensitive. I don't go to bars or clubs for the alcohol. I go there for the music. And if I compromise by going to a bar/club that plays dance music, which I absolutely hate (I only dance to Hip Hop/R&B), they should return me the favour by just pouring me a freaking coke. Because them forcing me to drink is irritating as hell. And you can make fun of my non-drinking habit, I could care less. I do not care what these people think of me. Just do not make me drink. Because I don't care if the entire bar is staring, I will not drink.

And, if you can't drink, and you're drunk, do not expect me to take care of you. I am not your friend. Do not assumed I'll take care of you. I'll take care of my friends, that is if they tell me in advance that they are planning to get drunk. Also, if you can't drink, or if you plan to get drunk, PLEASE DO NOT FREAKING DRIVE! It's irritating as hell that we have to spent almost half an hour on the side walk just to decide who to drive who home, or if that person is fit enough to drive. I do not have the patience for that, especially when you don't really mean anything to me. So in the end, i just stood by the side while the rest tried to decide who's fit to drive, and who should they go back with. If I have my car with me, I would have just got into my car, drive up to them, and the ones who needs a ride can get in (which will be my friends) and the rest can sleep by the roadside, it's seriously none of my business. I have no patience for drunkards. If you're going to act all emo, please stay away from me as well. Half the time I was harrassed by my colleague cause she gets very emo when she's drunk. She started hugging me, talking shit (slurring most of the time), trying to kiss me, while the boyfriend just watch. I almost wanted to slap him. So what if you're used to your girlfriend's antic, fucking control her cause you're her fucking boyfriend, and I'm not enjoying her attention. Bad enough that I don't even like hanging around with her when she's sober, let alone when she's in a drunken state.

At the end of the day, I just got to say thank god this is the last party because the company is moving back to HK some time next year, which means I won't be even seeing half the people in the office after that, let alone party ingg together.

And oh yeah, Nina and Naomi told me they won't stay long, probably leave by 12. I knew we were gonna end up staying longer than that. Because we never leave a club/bar that early. So there goes my plan of going in to work the next day. And now, I have to rush my work on Monday thanks to these Mofos. But since they did so much for me, I thought I return the favour.

I don't want to party with people that I don't like, especially when the party is basically filled with people that I work with and have come to dislike almost half of them. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. But who cares. If I do not hang out with you after work, please do not pretend like we're friends. Cause really, we are not. There are only a handful in the company whom I call friends, and the other half (more than half actually) doesn't exist as far as as soon as I step out of the office door.